


Steel Heart

by Jeonghanscheekbones



Series: Angsty Seventeen Fics [10]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Death, Depression, First Kiss, Fluff, Grief, Homophobia, I worked so hard on this story and I’m so proud of it so please read it, Lots of Angst, M/M, Possibly inspired by I think I’m OKAY by Machine Gun Kelly, Self Harm, Seungcheol is a sweetheart, Some Humor, Violence, jeonghan is going through tough times, most of the fic takes place in early 2015, predebut, very canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24761215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeonghanscheekbones/pseuds/Jeonghanscheekbones
Summary: Repress. Don't feel. Be perfect. Prove Them Wrong.Jeonghan just wants to be an idol. He'll do whatever it takes.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: Angsty Seventeen Fics [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1350832
Comments: 7
Kudos: 99





	1. They’re Gonna Clean Up Your Looks

**Author's Note:**

> Yoon Jeonghan starts his new life as a pledis trainee. Big things are in store for this kid.

**June 8th, 2013**

"Welcome our newest trainee, Yoon Jeonghan!" 

Jeonghan walked into the Pledis practice room. His eyes were practically assaulted by the lime green walls and florescent lights. His stomach was doing backflips and beads of sweat threatened to drip from his hairline. 

This was the start of his new life. 

There was so many kids in there, some looked around his age, and some looked very young. He didn't know who to talk to or what to look at. 

"Hi," a boy approached him. He looked about 18 or 19, a little bit taller than Jeonghan. He had black hair that almost hung over his eyes, and a blue tshirt that said "승 철" on it in block letters.

Smiling slightly at him, Jeonghan shook his hand, "Hi. I'm-uh-I'm..Jeonghan. Yeah, that's my name..but you already knew that because they just said it. OH! And it's on my shirt too! Ok now I sound like an idiot, sorry," he word-vomited out all at once, mentally cringing at himself. 

Seungcheol stepped a bit closer, smiling at him. He had dimples on both of his cheeks, _'cute,'_ Jeonghan thought. 

"It's ok. I was nervous on my first day too," Seungcheol said, "We've all been there," he gestured to the dozen other kids around the room, "Nobody's going to judge you."

His worries being put to rest slightly, he sighed, "Thanks. So what are you? Like-uh-I mean, are you a singer or a rapper?"

They walked to the adjacent wall and sat down to continue their conversation, "I'm a rapper. I've been told you're a singer, that's cool-"

"Hey new kid." Someone cut him off. 

Another boy approached them and sat down. Jeonghan looked him up and down. He had big eyes and full, upturned lips, and short hair. His shirt had an unusual name on it, too. 

"Joe-ssu-a?" Jeonghan read slowly, looking at him with a slightly confused expression. 

"Joshua," he corrected, "I'm American. My name is Joshua Hong. My Korean name is Hong Jisoo. Call me whichever, I don't care. Nice to meet you," he said, shaking Jeonghan's hand, "Woah, what's with your fingers?!"

"W-what?!" Jeonghan asked, looking at his hands. His eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline, "Sorry-um..they're just..like this," he wiggled his fingers, showing Joshua how crooked and double-jointed they were when he straightened them. 

"That's weird." The American said, shrugging and standing up, "In a cool way, I mean. See you around, new guy." And then he got up and walked away. 

Jeonghan turned to Seungcheol, "I thought you said nobody was gonna judge me," he whined, making his hands into fists and crossing his arms. 

Seungcheol put his hand of Jeonghan's shoulder, leaning in closer, "Perhaps I lied a little bit. Don't worry about Joshua. He's new too, and he's still got all his walls up."

-

After introducing himself to all of the trainees and staff, receiving a tour of the Pledis building from a very interesting fellow named Soonyoung, and had his first dance practice, Jeonghan headed to his new dorm room.  
It was where he'd be living for the next he-didn't-know-how-many years, so he hoped he'd like it. 

He rode with the other trainees back to the dorm building that evening. There were so many of them, he didn't know how they all lived together. 

"There's only one person who doesn't have a roommate yet," a short boy named Jihoon said when they all went into their dorm. He had a cute smile, and bleached hair, and wore a bunch of bracelets. He seemed nice. 

Jeonghan, stopped in the living room and looked at him, "Who?"

"Welcome home, Roomie!" Seungcheol yelled, taking Jeonghan's free hand, "Cmon let's go!" He pulled him down the hallway. 

He went into the dorm room and shut the door behind himself. Seungcheol sat down on the twin-sized bed on the right side of the room, presumably his. It had a bright red duvet and at least 5 stuffed animals on it.

"That'll be your bed," Seungcheol said, pointing to the one on the other side of the room, "The bathroom is across the hall. I emptied out the top drawer of the dresser for you, and we can free up some closet space-"

"It's ok, I don't have very much stuff. I won't take up very much room," Jeonghan held up his tiny suitcase and even smaller backpack, shrugging as he put them on his bed. 

Seungcheol leaned up against the dresser, raising his eyebrows at him, "You know you're living here now, indefinitely, right?" He chuckled, walking over to Jeonghan's bed and sitting down next to him, "This isn't going to get you far. I suggest having your parents bring the rest of your clothes up, and whatever else you'd want to have with you."

Jeonghan looked at the ground, his foot swinging up and coming back down to hit the bed frame. He repeated the motion a few times, his heel stinging slightly, "My parents aren't crazy about this whole idol thing.." he looked back up at Seungcheol, pouting his lips in a way that was neither flirtatious, nor bratty, "They don't think I'm going to last long here."

Seungcheol looked at him, breathing out a slow sigh. He scooted closer to Jeonghan, putting his hand on his knee, "Prove them wrong, then."

Those words struck a chord in Jeonghan. He wanted to be an idol more than anything; he'd do whatever it took. He wasn't about to come crawling back home with his tail between his legs because the trainee life was too hard. He's going to do this. He's going to be an idol no matter what. 

He smiled at Seungcheol, eyebrow twitching up slightly, "I will."

-

The first couple of weeks were a rude introduction for Jeonghan. The dance practices got more intense, he took vocal lessons, and did a couple of promo photoshoots. It was difficult, but he was getting used to it after a while. 

"Hyungie!" A squeaky voice yelled right as Jeonghan walked into the practice room one morning. Suddenly, someone was jumping on him and wrapping their little legs around his torso. 

"Ugh!" He huffed, nearly collapsing from the sudden weight on top of him, "Samuel, get off!" He whined, laughing slightly still. 

Samuel jumped off of him, looking disappointed, "Sorry."

He shook his head, kneeling down next to the little boy, "It's ok, kid. Just-" he paused to take a breath, "Please warn me next time."

"Gather around everyone!" One of their managers announced, waiting for all of the trainers to go to the front of the room, "It's time for our weigh in."

"Our _what_?" Jeonghan whispered, looking around in confusion. 

Seungcheol tapped him on the shoulder, "We get weighed every month or so to make sure we're taking care of our image and stuff. Don't worry, you're skinny, you'll be fine."

Jeognhan breathed a sigh of relief. _'Seungcheol called me skinny,'_ he thought, smiling to himself as he got in line with the other guys who were waiting to be weighed. That was the best compliment he'd ever been given. He hadn't skipped breakfast every day since the 7th grade for nothing. 

"Seungcheol-ssi, your turn," a manager said, watching as the rapper stepped onto the scale, then stepped off again, "60kg..Hm very good."

Seungcheol nodded and walked away, then it was Jeonghan's turn. He looked up at the manager, who urged him to come forward. He did as he was told and stepped on the little metal square on the floor.

She looked at the scale, raising her eyebrows, then she looked back up at him, "How tall are you, Jeonghan?" 

"5'8," he answered quietly. He hoped he'd still grow a bit more. One of the trainees, Hansol, was already taller than him and he was only like 15. 

She wrote something on her clipboard, humming in affirmation. She didn't look too happy. 

"I-is it bad? Do I need to lose weight?" He asked, concern tinging his words. 

"No," she looked back up at him, "Jeonghan, 52kg isn't good. You're really underweight. We're going to put you on a diet so you can gain weight. We can talk more about it later," she explained briskly, motioning for him to go so she could weigh Junhui. 

His stomach dropped, "Oh...ok.." he got off the scale, walking to the back corner of the room where Seungcheol was sitting. 

"See? It wasn't a big deal," Seungcheol said, grabbing his arm and pulling him down to sit. Then he noticed the disappointed look on Jeonghan's face, "Wait..did they say something to you about your weight?" 

Brushing his hair out of his face, he shook his head and wiped the look off his face, "They just want me to eat more, that's all. It's not a big deal."

But it was a big deal to Jeonghan. He didn't want to get fat. Idols were supposed to be skinny, why on earth would they want him to gain weight? The thought of getting all fat and disgusting made him want to throw up. He was already dreading this new diet. 

"Well, don't worry too much with what they say about your weight," he explained, "For what it's worth, you'd look good at any size." 

Jeonghan took a moment to process what Seungcheol said. Once he did, his cheeks heated up a bit, "Uh..thanks, I think?" 

-

It was just after 9pm. Their choreographer was nice and let them go early. Some of the kids stayed late to work on stuff, but Jeonghan went ahead home to shower and eat the massive dinner that the company was forcing him to eat. A whole chicken breast, a sweet potato, and rice. It was so much food that he walked away from dinner every night saying he felt 8 months pregnant. The first time he made that joke, Seungcheol replied with "I don't want to know who the baby daddy is." And Jeonghan wasn't sure how to respond to that.

This night, he sat on his bed and scrolled through Cyworld. There was a new group that just debuted; they were called Exo and they had 12 members. It was a lot, but they seemed to be doing alright. He looked at their picture. All of the dark makeup and weird outfits. _'This could be us one day.'_ He thought, smiling at he imagined what it would be like once he got to debut. He wondered what it would be like. Maybe one day he'd get to meet those Exo guys, or maybe even Super Junior. 

***BAM***

Jeonghan was scared out of his wits when something slammed against his bedroom door. His eyes were fixed on the door as it slowly opened and Seungcheol came inside, slamming it shut behind him. He practically threw his backpack on his bed, pacing around the room angrily, "Fuck! I hate those stupid producers! They're so..so..UGH!" He growled, sitting down on his bed and burying his head in his hands. 

Jeonghan watched with wide eyes. He slowly walked over and sat down next to the frustrated boy, "Um, what happened?" He asked gently. 

Seungcheol lifted his head. His face was super red, and he looked close to tears, "I worked so fucking hard on that song, and they just shot it down," he explained in a raspy whimper. His leg was bouncing up and down, and he yanked at a fistful of hair at the back of his head, "I was up all night making sure it was perfect. They hated it. I wasted my time.."

"Seungcheol," Jeonghan's ears burned. He was mad too. It wasn't fair to Seungcheol that all his hard work got wasted like that. He put his arm around him, "They're idiots. Y'know what though?"

"What?" He put his arm around Jeonghan's waist, grabbing a firstfull of his tshirt. His leg was still bouncing super fast, but he seemed a bit more calm. 

The younger boy smiled, "In a few years, everyone is going to know your name, and be listening to your music. Those producers will still be faceless and nameless. You're going to get the last laugh when they're biggest claim to fame is a writing credit on our debut album."

Seungcheol nodded, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile. His dimples appeared and his eyes turned into little crescent moons. He wrapped his arms around Jeonghan, resting his chin on the boy's shoulder, "Thanks Hannie. I sure feel a lot better."

It was at this point Jeonghan noticed that Seungcheol smelled good. Kinda like lavender shampoo mixed with,,Seungcheol's Smell. He didn't know, he just knew he kinda liked it.  
They continued hugging, until it started to get kinda awkward, then they pulled away. 

"Cheol," Jeonghan tilted his head to the side, looking at him, then at his backpack, then at him again, "If you don't mind, I'd like to hear the song."

Next thing he knew, he was wearing Seungcheol's headphones and listening to the song being played from his laptop. It was..sad. The lyrics were depressing, but deep. The words told the story of a kid from a poor family that dreamed of becoming a performer. A kid that would do whatever it took to make that dream come true.  
The beat was fast and upbeat, with a melodic synth over it. Jeonghan bobbed his head to the tune for a little while, taking it all in. 

Seungcheol was watching him, eager for any sign of an opinion forming. He wanted feedback from someone who wouldn't just shoot it down. He wanted Jeonghan's opinion. 

Finally, the younger boy pulled the headphones off and looked up at him as his lip twitched into a small smirk. 

"Well? What'd you think?"

Jeonghan scooted closer to him, smiling bittersweetly, "I love it."

"Really? It's good?" His eyes lit up. He closed the laptop, putting it to the side, "You're sure?" Seungcheol's voice went up in pitch, his excitement shining through. He clearly needed this win. 

"Of course. It's amazing," he ran his fingers through his hair, nails scratching at his scalp, "So I suppose the lyrics are about your story?"

"Yeah..," and just as briskly as nearly everything he did, he changed the subject quickly, "Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We don't have to be at Pledis until 10:00. We can sleep in."

Jeonghan shrugged, "That sounds good."

Late that night, Jeonghan and Seungcheol watched Fight Club together, in Seungcheol's bed. Well actually, Jeonghan was watching. Seungcheol fell asleep 30 minutes in.  
Jeonghan looked at Seungcheol. The glow of the laptop screen illuminated his pretty face. His chest rose and fell with every deep breath, Jeonghan noticed too, that his face was free of the worry lines that were usually there. He seems so at peace. Jeonghan looked back at the screen and smiled a little. 

The movie, the blankets, the sleeping boy cuddled up next to him. It was comfortable. For the first time since becoming a trainee, Jeonghan felt like he'd found his home.


	2. Another Cog In The Murder Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Predebut Jeonghan adventures. He gets into a fight with Jihoon. Other stuff happens too.

**December 30, 2013**

To say Jeonghan was doing perfectly fine at Pledis would be the overstatement of the year. Jeonghan was surviving, yes, but he hadn't anticipated just how hard it would be. The dance practices were physically exhausting, he expected that. But the Japanese lessons were a total surprise. No one told him he'd have to learn a new language. The vocal teacher didn't seem to like him very much, and she always made snide remarks to him during class. To top it all off, Jeonghan had-against his will-gained 6kg because of his diet. He hated it. He thought looked like a whale, but it was what the company wanted. 

He could count on two hands the amount of times he wanted to just pack up and go home and give up, but he wasn't going to quit. Yoon Jeonghan is not a quitter. With all the people who said he'd never make it as an idol, he's going to prove them wrong. 

He learned very quickly that he just needed to repress his emotions and focus on his training. Performers aren't supposed to think or feel. Just do.   
When things got tough, he just had other ways to relieve stress. It was these times when he found himself in the bathroom, blood dripping out of the cuts on his thighs. His heart beating fast and his breaths shallow while he waited for the pain to go away. He didn't like the cycle of sneaking away in the night so he could slice up his legs, but it got the job done. It wasn't that bad, it was just stress relief. 

The first time it happened was right after one of the dance teachers lambasted Jeonghan for messing up the choreography. He had to stay an extra 2 hours to keep practicing it until he could do the routine perfectly 3 times in a row. He fought the urge to pack up his stuff and quit right then. Instead, he took a razor blade to his left hip. Just a few cuts, and suddenly he was feeling much better. 

_'Everyone relieves stress differently. This is my way, and it's totally fine.'_

-

"Joshuaji!" He called, gesturing to the American boy who just walked into the kitchen, "Can you come sign this birthday card for my Grandma? She's turning 88."

He gave a weird look, "But I don't even know her."

"We all signed it too, Hyung!" Samuel squealed, grabbing Joshua's hand and dragging him over to the table. "Do it while you can. She won't live forever, y'know."

"Samuel!" Seungcheol scolded, sounding more surprised than angry. 

Jeonghan just face palmed, laughing a little bit despite the dark topic. Samuel was a sweet kid, but Jesus Christ he had no filter whatsoever, "My Grandma and I are very close. She practically raised me, and she's the only one in my family that supports me being an idol." He explained. 

After everyone signed the card, Jeonghan put in a picture of all of them together that they'd taken on his first day as a trainee. It was all of them, standing there, with their names on their shirts. It was kinda cheesy, but Jeonghan knew she'd love it. He sealed the envelope and put it into the mailbox. 

\- 

"Jeonghan-ssi, looks like it's time to book you a hair cut. You're starting to look like an Ajumma," a manager told Jeonghan one morning before practice, playfully ruffling his hair as he said it. 

Jeonghan's locks were just brushing his shoulders, and his fringe was nearly to his ears. He looked up at the manager, "Actually Hyung, I was hoping I could continue to grow my hair out, if that's ok?"

"Oh," he looked a little surprised by the request, but not unhappy, "Um..ok. Like, for how long?"

"I dunno. Wouldn't it be kinda cool if I had long hair when we debut? Kinda like Minki Sunbaenim," Jeonghan explained, standing up and facing him, "Please?"

"You know that's not up to me."

"But you could make a good case for me to the higher-ups right? Jeonghan asked the man, batting his eyes and pouting all cutely, "What are they going to do? Shoot it down? Something as trivial as the length of my hair could put a damper on our comeback?"

The manager smiled a little bit, looking at the floor, then back up at him, "Ahh...you're very persuasive, Mr. Yoon. I suppose it wouldn't hurt if I floated the idea to my boss."

"Thank youu," Jeonghan cooed, watching as the manager walked away. 

Seungcheol-who'd whitenessed the entire exchange-approached Jeonghan with an impressed grin on his face, "Wow, you sure know how to get what you want."

"Yup. I had to _learn_ the art of persuasion. Unlike you, Mr. Youngest Of Three," the younger teased, nudging Seungcheol on the arm. 

"Hey! At least my parents still talk to me." Seungcheol teased back, smirking when Jeonghan didn't have a snarky reply.   
Then he saw the way his face fell, and his cheeks turned red. 

"Not cool, dude," he sighed, shaking his head as he walked away. What a painful reminder of his less-than-great family, and from his closest friend. He felt a dull pain in his throat, but he ignored it, blinking hard and plastering on a smile before he went to talk to Joshua and Junhui. 

That night, Seungcheol stayed awake, waiting for his roommate to come home. It was nearly midnight, and his eyelids were getting heavy. 

Finally, the door opened. Jeonghan walked in, posture poor and eyes tired. He tossed his backpack onto the bed, looking at Seungcheol with a confused expression, "You're still awake?" He rasped, rubbing his eyes, "It's like,,tomorrow."

"I waited for you to get home. Why are you so late?"

"I was practicing. Evaluations are next week."

"Oh, ok," he nodded, putting his hands on his knees and sitting up straight. He craned his next to one side until he heard it pop, "So..I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I'm really sorry, Han."

Jeonghan stood idly for a moment, "It's ok,"

"No, it's not. I went too far," he stood up, approaching him, "I'm sorry."

"Seungcheol," Jeonghan said firmly, looking him in the eyes, "Drop it."

He opened his mouth, then closed it again, "Ok," he said finally, sitting back down, "Jeonghan?" 

"Yeah?"

"Why do you want to grow your hair out long?"

He touched his hair, looking up at the ceiling as he thought about his answer, "I think it will look pretty. I want to look pretty."

Gulping, Seungcheol pursed his lips, "You're already pretty," he said under his breath, but not for Jeonghan not to hear it. His heart beat a little faster when he saw Jeonghan get all embarrassed at his comment 

He let out a small laugh, looking shyly at the floor, "Thanks," he went over to the dresser and began pulling out some pajamas, "I'm going to go have a shower. Be back in a few."

"Ok, Minki Jr."

"Shut up, I'm older than him."

-

"I'm so fat." 

This was what Seungcheol heard when he walked into the bathroom one morning. 

Jeonghan was standing in front of the mirror in a tank top and shorts. He was pinching at his arms and pulling his shirt back to show his ever-so-slightly soft tummy, "I can't believe this is what they want. I look like a whale," he complained to Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol, who'd just come in to brush his teeth, gave him a vaguely annoyed look, "We're literally the same size, Jeonghan."

"Yeah, but you wear it better," he walking out of the bathroom, "Ugh, I am never wearing sleeveless again," he whined as he tossed his shirt onto their bedroom floor across the hall. He opened the top drawer of the dresser and began to look for a new shirt to wear. 

Seungcheol watched him, taking note of the way his spine was still visible on his bare back, and how his hipbones and ribs still protruded. He was still so thin, even after gaining 6kg. His waist was so small, but he had a cute lil tummy. His shoulders were broad, and his skin was beautifully tan. He was,, well _he has a good body_ , Seungcheol thought. 

Jeonghan turned around and noticed him staring, "Take a picture, it'll last longer," He barked, pushing the door shut. 

Seungcheol shrugged, turning his attention back to the sink so he could brush his teeth. He caught a glimpse of himself on the mirror and saw how red his cheeks were. He brushed it off, shaking his head as he reached for the toothpaste. 

"I made breakfast! Mingyu announced from the kitchen when he heard some of the guys coming that way, "It's toast! Cause that's all we can afford!" He said with way too much faux enthusiasm. 

Seungcheol took a slice, then took another slice to give to Jeonghan. 

"Pass," Jeonghan said briskly, going straight to the coffee maker to pour himself a cup of black coffee. 

His shoulders slumping, Seungcheol followed him over there, "You need to eat."

"I'm fine," he hardly looked up from his coffee mug. 

"Whatever," Seungcheol sighed, turning to walk away and offer someone else the other slice of toast. He was stopped when Jeonghan grabbed his arm. 

Suddenly, he was being pulled into a tight hug. With a piece of toast in each hand, he couldn't really hug him back, but he still leaned into the younger boy's embrace. 

"Seriously, I appreciate that you care, but I know my body. I know I'm going to be fine, ok Cheol?" Jeonghan whispered into his ear. 

Seungcheol nodded, "Ok," he agreed, even though he was a bit hesitant. 

-

"What's your problem?!" Everyone heard Jeonghan yell as he walked into the practice room one day. The entire vocal team followed him in; they'd been at a vocal lesson that ran late, and were meeting up with the rest of the trainees before dance practice. 

Jihoon has been right behind him, "My problem is that you're an arrogant jerk!" He yelled back, shoving him, nearly making him fall over. 

"Please stop fighting!" Seungkwan whined, trying to get in between them. 

Jeonghan stood up a little straighter, emphasizing how much taller he was than both of them, "Stay out of this, kid. Jihoon's a fucking asshole," he said through gritted teeth, shoving the smaller boy back, "Get off your high horse and stop acting like you're better than all of us."

Jihoon poked an accusatory finger at Jeonghan’s chest, "Stop acting like you have talent, you lazy fatass-"

*slap*

As if all the air was sucked out of the room at once, no one dared speak, move, or even breathe. It was surreal, the way everything stayed still for several seconds. 

Jihoon raised a hand to his reddening cheek, a mix of unreadable emotions forming on his face as he looked up at the older boy. 

Jeonghan's hand was still in the air, his palm still tingling slightly from the contact. He looked at his hand, then at Jihoon, then at his hand again. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He slowly put his hands at his sides, bowing his head slightly, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jihoon. Really, I am."

He was still for several seconds, staring dead into Jeonghan's eyes. Finally, he just pushed past him and continued walking, "This choreography isn't going to learn itself, now is it? Let's get to practicing!" He announced to the room, turning on the speaker system and selecting the song they needed, "I hope everyone stretched! Get to your starting places!"

Jeonghan just stood there in disbelief, his mouth hanging open like an idiot. He was broken out of his trance when he realized Jihoon was serious and that they were actually about to start practicing the dance. 

The whole dance practice was out of whack for Jeonghan. It felt like everyone was just giving him dirty looks, or ignoring him completely. He knew he fucked up, and he understood why Jihoon was upset, but why was everyone else acting so cold towards him? Didn't they hear what he said? He stewed during the whole dance practice, and he just felt worse and worse about it. After replaying it in his head a hundred times, he realized that it was actually all his fault. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Even when he was alone, he wouldn't cry.   
Yoon Jeonghan does not cry. 

Dinner that night was the worst. Everyone was tense and no one had anything of importance to say. They just ate their rice quietly, and got up to go shower once they were finished.   
Jeonghan couldn't bring himself to finish his food. He didn't want to think about what he'd do at the next weigh in; he just wanted to lose all that weight again. If he was going to be hated by everyone, they might as well hate him while he's skinny. 

Late that night, under the cloak of darkness, Jeonghan went into the restroom; bathing the room in the bright fluorescent lights as soon as he shut the door. Fumbling around for his little friend inside one of the drawers, he drew in a quick breath when he felt his fingers brush against the sharp edge. This would ease his guilt. It's his punishment for what he did to Jihoon. He pulled up the leg of his shorts, and got to work. 

Seungcheol tossed and turned in bed, consciousness slowly returning to him. His first waking thought was _'I need to pee'_ , so he sat up and looked at the clock. Hm, only 2:30? Hopefully he'd be able to go back to sleep after this. 

He got up and walked to the bathroom, noting the fact that the lights were on and the door was shut. 'No big deal,' he thought as he leaned up against the wall and waited. 

After a couple of moments, he heard a whimper from inside the bathroom, followed by some heavy breathing. 

_'I swear to god, if Junhui is masterbating in there again,'_ he knocked on the door, "Junnie, hurry up, I need to pee."

"Ah! Uh-ok I'm almost done!" A startled voice replied. 

"Oh, Jeonghan?" He raises his eyebrows, "Sorry, it's ok. Take your time." 

After another minute or so, the door opened, "All yours," the younger boy rasped, nodding his head slightly. 

Seungcheol noticed the redness in the boy's eyes, the dampness of his cheeks, and the way his lip twitched, "Hannie, have you been crying?"

"No. I just washed my face is all," he said briskly, walking past him and going back to their bedroom. 

Seungcheol went into the bathroom and shut the door. Once he finished doing his business, he went to wash his hands and noticed a smear of blood on the counter. He stopped, looking around to see if there was any more. There was a droplet on the floor, and that smear, and that was it. 

_'Did this come from Jeonghan?'_ He thought, wiping the blood up with some toilet paper and throwing it away. He figured he'd ask him about it in the morning. It was probably nothing. 

-

"Jeonghan?" He said suddenly as the two of them got dressed for work the next day. 

He turned to look at him, pulling on his tshirt with his name on it that they'd been told to wear that day, "Yeah?" 

"When I went into the bathroom yesterday," he paused, thinking about how to word this, "I saw some blood on the counter, and on the floor."

Jeonghan stiffened immediately, taking a deep breath before answering, "I had a nosebleed." He said simply. 

Seungcheol paused too, before answering, "Ok," he sighed, and that was end of the conversation.   
Seungcheol believed him. He had no reason not to.

-

Jihoon and Jeonghan made up a couple of days later. It was water under the bridge. They'd pretty much forgotten what they'd been fighting about in the first place, there was no point holding a grudge. That's what Jihoon said, but Jeonghan never quite forgave himself fully for hitting his little brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated! Please leave comments ❤️


	3. Make Them Pay For The Things That They Did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan goes through a life-altering change in his family life, and has a difficult time coping with it.

Jeonghan looked in the mirror, yawning as he pulled his hair into a pony tail. He'd been growing it out for nearly 8 months, it was past his nipples now. Joshua told him that that meant he was officially a mermaid. He didn't quite get that joke; it must be an American thing. Whatever, Jeonghan liked his hair. He liked looking pretty. 

He was tired.   
He and Seungcheol stayed up until 2am. They'd been doing that way too often lately. Time got away from them when they were just talking, telling stories, playing games and laughing. Sometimes they just watched tv together, snuggled under the blanket on Seungcheol's bed. Sometimes they fell asleep that way.   
He was tired, but he wouldn't change it. Those nights were the best nights, the nights when he felt like home. 

2014 came and went faster than Jeonghan thought it would.   
His singing is better than it's ever been, his dancing has improved a ton too, and he even shed some of that weight he gained earlier in the year. Thing were good. 

A new kid showed up early in the year, shortly after Mingming left. His name was Xu Minghao, and he was Chinese. Naturally, he became friends with Junhui the quickest. He was very quiet because he wasn't quite fluent in Korean yet, but Jeonghan tried to help him out whenever he could. He showed him around the dorms, and helped him with some choreography. He seems nice, but so timid.   
Hopefully, the kid will come out of his shell eventually. 

Next thing everyone knew, it was 2015 and their presumed debut was inching closer and closer. 

Despite most of their photoshoots so far being dark and serious, with lots of black clothes, the demo for their debut song was actually quite upbeat and fresh.   
Jeonghan liked it when he heard Jihoon singing the rough version of it in the studio one morning. He imagined what he'd sound like singing it.   
It seemed like the rest of the vocal team liked it too, because they were smiling and nodding along. 

"It's not perfect yet. I still need to fix some things. We're going to record the b-sides first, ok?" Jihoon explained as he took the CD out of the player. 

"Hyung, when are we going to start recording?" Seungkwan asked, leaning against the table and tilting his head to the side. 

Jihoon thought for a moment, "Studio time is going to be tough to get. NU'EST Sunbaenim is recording for their comeback too, and our schedules are packed. I think we can squeeze in some time to record our parts for Adore U in a week or so."

-

"5 6 7 8!"   
Their instructor, Hyoseong, led them through the choreography to one of their songs, No F.U.N. Despite the song's name, the dance was actually super fun to learn. They got to use umbrellas as props and twirl them around and stuff. 

"Alright, great job guy! Now let's run through the whole thing, with the music, yah?!" Hyoseong announced, watching as all of them got back into their starting positions. 

***Ring ding dong, ring ding dong  
Ring diggy ding diggy ding ding ding-***

"Alright who the hell forgot to turn their phone off?!" He asked angrily. 

Some of the guys laughed at the ringtone, while other's looked around to see who it belonged to. 

Jeonghan's cheeks turned bright red as he ran towards his backpack in the corner of the room. He fumbled with the zipper for a couple seconds before finally getting a hold of his phone. It was his mom calling. 

'That's weird, she basically never calls me.'

He shrugged, turning his phone onto vibrate and laying it on top of his backpack, "Sorry about that, Hyoseong Hyung," he said as he jogged back to his spot. 

They continued their strenuous dance lesson for another 30 minutes, most of them sweating heavily and gasping for air at the end of each run through. Jeonghan probably had a bruise forming on the back of his head, what with how many times he hit himself in the head with the umbrella. 

Occasionally, Jeonghan would look over at his stuff and notice that his phone was lit up again, with another call from his mom. He brushed it off. Whatever it was, it could wait until after practice. 

They were right in the middle of a run through of Shining Diamonds, when suddenly a manager barged into the practice room. It wasn't Seventeen's usual manager, this man was older and had been around longer. He usually worked with NU'EST or with the higher ups. He walks over to the stereo and turned the music off, making everyone stop and look at him.   
Some of the kids bowed, most just waved. 

"Dongpyo, uh, is everything ok?" Hyoseong asked, slightly annoyed that his practice was being interrupted. 

The manager, Dongpyo, shook his head, "Jeonghan, you need to call your mom. It's an emergency," he said sternly, pointing at the long haired kid in the back of the room. 

Jeonghan obeyed, walking over to pick up is phone. A pang of anxiety coursed through him as his mind raced through worst possible scenarios.   
He had 12 missed calls from his mom. 

He left the practice room, walking a little ways down the hallway. Even when the door to the practice room was shut behind him, he could still hear the music being played again. 

He hurriedly entered his mom's number and put the phone to his ear. 

_One ring._

His heart was beating out of his chest. 

_Two rings._

His hands were shaking. 

"Hello? Jeonghan, finally! I've been trying to reach you!" 

"Mom! What's going on?! They said it was an emergency," He asked, his voice cracking. He leaned against the wall and pursed his lips tight, swallowing the lump in his throat.   
He heard silence on the other side for way too long.   
He could tell that something was wrong. 

"Mama, what's wrong?" He repeated, his grip tightening on his phone. 

"Jeonghan...your grandmother passed away this morning."

His blood ran cold, his heard dropped into his stomach. He slid down to the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest, "No.." 

"Jeonghan, I'm sorry to tell you this way," she continued. 

He shook his head, "No. no she's..I just t-talked to her on the phone two days..two days ago. She was fine," he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to let any tears spill. He refused to cry. Yoon Jeonghan does not cry.

He heard a short breath be sucked in on the other side of the call, "She..well..she was hit by a car. She died instantly. There was nothing anyone could have done."

"Oh," he took a deep breath, opening his eyes. He'd successfully managed to stop himself from crying, but he was still processing the whole thing, "So..when's the funeral?" He asked finally. 

"We don't know yet. Probably soon. Do you want to come home? Stay with us until then?" 

He shook his head, then remembered that she couldn't see him because they were talking on the phone, "I can't. I have to stay here. Our debut date is so close.."

"But this is family!" She argued, raising her voice slightly, though she sounded more saddened than angry. 

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'll come to the funeral though. We can talk more about this later. I have to get back to dance practice," he told him, almost apologetically. 

She was quiet for a moment, "Ok. Bye," she said, and he could hear the disappointment in her voice. 

"Bye, mama."

Then he hung up, hitting his head against the wall as he let out a laborious sigh. He looked around the dark hallway, no one had come or gone. No one heard him. Good.   
Standing back up, he plastered on a pleasant smile and walked back into the practice room, "I'm back," he announced.

Seungcheol walked up to him immediately, "Hey, is everything alright?" He asked in a hushed tone, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. 

He stiffened at the touch, shaking his head slightly, "We can talk about it later."

-

The next few days went by in a haze for Jeonghan. Everything he did, he felt he was doing it half-heartedly. Most nights, he spoke to his parents before bed; more than he'd spoken to them in the last year.   
His mother would rant and ramble about how stressful it was to plan a funeral, and he would patiently listen.   
Jeonghan's father didn't talk very much; he was still grieving the loss of his mother. He didn't have much to talk about.   
Jeonghan took it upon himself to tell his dad all about his time as a trainee. Sometimes he found himself talking a little too much, but sometimes his dad would laugh and say "It almost sounds like you're in love with that roommate of yours, with how much you talk about him."

And Jeonghan would look over at the sleeping boy on the other side of the room, smile, and say, "Don't be ridiculous, we're just friends," knowing that his father couldn't see how red his cheeks were turning. 

He'd fall asleep late, and one of the kids would have to drag him out of bed the next morning, all but kicking and screaming. 

But then it was the morning.   
The morning of the funeral.   
It just so happened to be the same day that the members were supposed to record their parts for the debut song.   
It was the only time they'd be able to record it, and Jeonghan had to make a choice. Go to the funeral, or record his lines. He would've chosen to stay and record his lines, but everyone basically forced him to go be with his family.   
A small part of him was glad they did.   
A bigger part of him was upset that his voice wouldn't be in their debut song.   
_'That's life,_ ' he told himself. 

Jeonghan and one of their managers, Seunghoon, were leaving early to go to the church. After the service, they'd go to Jeonghan's parents house for dinner.   
He asked Seunghoon to stay with him, for moral support, and to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. 

Jeonghan put on a black dress shirt and slacks. He left his hair down, brushing it until it was silky smooth. He added a layer of tinted lip balm to his lips, and a touch of black liner underneath his eyes. He took one last look in the mirror, "Into battle," he whispered before walking out. 

"You look nice," Seungcheol said as Jeonghan walked into the living room, "You sure you don't want me to come?" 

"It's fine..I'm fine," the long haired boy smiled bittersweetly at him, picking his coat up off the couch and slinging it over his shoulder, "I'll see you tonight, Cheol." He waved as he walked out of the dorm to meet Seunghoon. 

Jeonghan spend the entire 30 minute car ride just dreading the rest of the day. He loved his parents, but they never got along too well. He was still processing the fact that his Grandma was gone and that he'd never be able to see her again. It was all so much.   
He dug his nails into the side of his thigh, wincing as he pressed into the cuts that were already fresh. 

"Looks like we're here," Seunghoon said as they pulled into the church parking lot, "You ready for this?" 

"Not even in the slightest."

Despite that, they went into the church together.   
The sanctuary was filled with maybe two dozen people, most of whom Jeonghan didn't know. He scanned the room for a moment before his gaze landed on his parents. He slowly walked up to them, "Hey," he said, quietly enough that he wasn't even sure if he said it out loud. 

"Jeonghan-ah!" His mother wrapped him up in a big hug, "Wow! You've gotten taller!" She exclaimed as she looked him up and down. 

"And you filled out," His father added, giving him a pat on the back. 

_'Filled out? Pfft, that's just a nice way of saying I got fat.'_

"Your hair," His mother began, reaching out to run her fingers through it, "It's very different."

"Do they want you to look like a girl?" His father said, chucking slightly. 

Jeonghan frowned at him, but didn't say express his frustration.   
People are bound to say things they don't mean when they're grieving, "It was my decision to grow my hair long, not theirs." He said simply, walking with them towards the front row of pews.   
They sat down, their conversation fizzling out as they waited for the service to start. He looked around the room, notching that many of his Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins were here as well. He dreaded having to speak to them. He could practically feel them judging him already. 

And boy was it a service. Jesus Christ, how many friends did Grandma Yoon have? At least 15 people got up to say a few words, but it was always way more than a few words. 

Jeonghan was grieving too, but after an hour of it, he was like, _'Ok, we get it. Bury her already.'_

Honestly, he felt kinda bad for dragging Seunghoon into this, cause he had to sit through it too, and he didn't even know Jeonghan's grandma. 

After the service was over, everyone in the family went to the Yoon house for an early lunch-or late dinner-whatever.   
It was weird-Jeonghan thought-because he hadn't been to his parents house in so long. It felt strangely foreign to him. 

Everyone had brought them food, because apparently that's what you do when someone dies, so they were eating a weird mishmash of kimchi fried rice, potato casserole, fried chicken, curry, and kimbap for supper.   
Not that Jeonghan was complaining, this was way better than what he'd been eating lately.

"Mom, Dad, I forgot to introduce you to my..friend, Seunghoon," he announced as they sat at the table to eat. He motioned to the man sitting directly to his left. 

"Hi," Seunghoon gave a shy smile and a tiny wave at Jeonghan's parents, "I'm-" he paused, looking at Jeonghan, "You can say manager."

"He's one of our managers," Jeonghan admitted, shrugging as he picked up a piece of casserole with his chopsticks, "But we're also friends." 

Jeonghan looked around the room, realizing that no one else was having their own conversation while they ate. Everyone was watching him. It felt more like an interrogation than a family reunion. 

That's what this whole thing was.   
All evening, Jeonghan was fielding questions like "Why are you wearing makeup?" And "Did you gain weight?" And "Don't those idol companies like abuse their trainees and stuff?"   
Every question and comment made Jeonghan feel worse and no one seemed to notice how uncomfortable he was except for Seunghoon, who'd finally had enough of all of it. 

"Wanna go somewhere a little..not here?" He asked Jeonghan, making no hesitation when Jeonghan pulled him down the hallway and into a room where no one was. 

He leaned against the wall, Seunghoon leaning next to him, "I'm sorry you have to put up with all of that."

Jeonghan shrugged, "The Yoons are judgy people. I didn't think it would be this bad though," he rested his face in his hands, groaning a little bit. 

"We can leave if you want."

"Yes please," he signed. 

They went and found his parents again, Jeonghan giving them each a big hug, "It's getting late, we're gonna go." He told them. 

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for a few days?" His mother asked, clasping her hands as if she was begging him. 

He shook his head, "I need to go home."

"This is your home," she protested, looking slightly cross with him for suggesting otherwise. 

He was quiet for a moment, looking at Seunghoon, then at her again, "Goodnight mom, I'll call you soon, ok?"

And then they left. 

-

The ride home was quiet. Jeonghan just stewed; marinading in the events of that day. His family thought so little of him. That he'd sold his soul to be some entertainer? They didn't like his new look, or his new job, or his new life. The only person in his family who supported him was dead.   
The rest were just assholes.   
Seventeen is his real family now. 

When he got back to the dorms, it was late. Everyone was probably asleep.   
Jeonghan tossed off his shoes and coat as soon as he got inside, not caring where they landed. He didn't eat anything, or shower, he just wanted to go to sleep and end this horrible day.   
He loosened his tie, and began unbuttoning his shirt. He was half naked by the time he even got to his bedroom.   
He went inside the darkened rooms closing the door quietly. 

"How was it?"

Jeonghan practically jumped out of his skin when he heard Seungcheol's voice, "Jesus, don't scare me like that," he scolded as he stripped off the rest of his clothes and replaced them with the tshirt and shorts he had laid out on his bed that morning, "And by the way, it sucked, as funerals tend to do. We can talk about it in the morning. I'm just..tired," he tried hard to sound pleasant. The last thing he wanted was to be rude to Seungcheol. 

"Oh, ok." He whispered, rolling over and closing his eyes. Suddenly, he felt the mattress dip on the other side. He rolled over to see Jeonghan climbing into bed with him, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his face into his neck. Seungcheol didn't say anything about it. It's not like he minded it at all. Maybe he kinda liked it. 

"Seungcheol?" Jeonghan suddenly whispered, his soft lips moving against Seungcheol's collarbone, making the older boy smile a little bit. 

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever leave, ok?" His words were tinged with fear and sadness. He held onto Seungcheol a little tighter, balling up some of his tshirt in his hand. 

"I promise I won't," he assured, pressing his lips to the top of the younger boy's head. His hand found its way to Jeonghan's, and they laced their fingers together, "Goodnight, My Hannie." 

"Goodnight."

And they fell asleep that way. Sharing body heat, cuddling, holding hands. It was comfortable. It was what Jeonghan needed, and he wouldn't trade it for anything.   
It was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback are appreciated ❤️


	4. Darken Your Clothes And Strike A Violent Pose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol does something nice for Jeonghan, but things end up going south later on. Jeonghan reaches a new low, and Seungcheol finds out his big secret. Things only get worse from there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER⚠️  
> Graphic depictions of self harm, violence, and homphobia.

A few days after the funeral, things seemed to go back to normal for Jeonghan. People quit looking at him with pitiful eyes, and he was starting to reach the 5th stage of grief: acceptance.   
He accepted that his grandma was gone. He didn't have to cry about it, or take time off work. He was strong.   
Sure, maybe his legs received a few more cuts in the last couple of days, but that's just stress relief. It's not a big deal. 

One Spring evening, Jeonghan came home late from dance practice. As expected, most of the younger kids were already in bed. Junhui and Minghao were in the living room, reading a Korean children's book together.   
It wasn't the first time.   
Minghao wanted to improve his Korean, and Junhui wanted any excuse to spend time with him.

' _That poor boy is so whipped.'_ Jeonghan thought as he walked down the hallway, smirking to himself. 

He pretty much expected Seungcheol to be either asleep, or on his laptop writing lyrics. What he didn't expect, however, was for him to not be there at all. He shrugged, putting his backpack on the floor by his bed-

_'What's that?'_

There was a folded piece of paper sitting on his bed, with a smiley face drawn on it in blue crayon. Jeonghan smiled a little, picking it up and unfolding it slowly. 

**Hannie,**

**Meet me in recording booth 2B. Bring soju.  
ASAP **

**\- C. S. C. ❤️**

Jeonghan's heart skipped a beat when he saw the little heart on the corner of the page. He didn't know why; Seungcheol probably only did it as a cute, platonic thing. He always did that kind of thing, and Jeonghan always smites himself for reading too much into it. 

Just as quickly as he'd come home, he left the dorm again. 

"Where are you going? You just came home?" Junhui asked upon seeing his Hyung speed-walk through the living room again. 

Jeonghan stopped, looking at him, "Don't worry about it." He said simply as he walked out the door. 

On this particular night, he air was cool and the sky was free of clouds. The moon formed a sliver of light high in the sky, and millions of starts danced around it. Jeonghan looked up at the beautiful expanse as he walked down the Seoul street.   
His heart felt light, like something good would happen soon. 

About a block away from the Pledis building, Jeonghan went into a small liquor store and grabbed two bottles of Soju. Though neither he nor Seungcheol were of legal age to drink yet, Jeonghan had a pretty convincing fake ID. So perhaps there were a few occasions where he'd buy some booze just for the two of them to share.   
They didn't tell anybody, not even Joshua.   
It was one of their little secrets.

He paid for the drinks and continued on his merry way, picking up his walking pace because the sooner he got there, the better. The neighborhood got a bit sketchy at night; and Jeonghan often saw some _interesting_ groups of people hanging around the dark allies near their dorm. 

Once he reached the Pledis building, which he was relieved to find was unlocked, he went into the back stairwell and climbed the two flights up to get to the 2nd floor. 

The darkened hallway that resides up there could be quite scary late at night. Flickering security lights and creaky floors put Jeonghan on high alert as he walked around, "Studio 2B," he whispered to himself as he looked at the doors that he passed. 

Finally, he reached 2B and knocked on the door with his free hand, waiting with baited breath for it to open. 

The door opened to reveal Seungcheol, standing there with a pleasant smile on his face, "You came," he said, his voice tinged with relief. He took the two bottles from his hands and motioned for him to come in. 

That was when Jeonghan realized that Seungcheol had decorated the studio. He put fairy lights around the desk, and a scented candle on the coffee table, and a blanket and pillows on the floor, with a picnic basket full of snacks. The space was very small, but Seungcheol had managed to transform it into something cozy and sweet. 

"What is this?" Jeonghan asked, laughing slightly as he looked around the studio at what Seungcheol had done. 

Seungcheol put down the bottles and faced Jeonghan, "It's an indoor picnic. Away from the world. No rules, no schedules, no screaming kids. Just us," he explained, grabbing his hands, "Do you like it."

Smiling like an idiot, Jeonghan wrapped his arms around Seungcheol, "I love it," he buried his face into his shoulder, relaxing into the warm embrace. He lifted his head, looking Seungcheol in the eyes, "Did you do this all for me?"

Seungcheol didn't say anything. He just grabbed his hand, opening the door to the recording booth and shoving him inside. 

"Wah wHAT ARE YOU-"

"-you're going to record your lines for our debut song," He explained, sitting at the desk and pressing some buttons. 

Jeonghan stood there with his mouth open for a couple of seconds before he found something to say in response, "Wait, that's what this is about?!" He asked into the mic that had already been set up for him. He gestured to the blanket and lights, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. 

Seungcheol just smiled at him, so smug and confident; he was so darn proud of himself. He pressed the intercom button and leaned into his mic, "That stuff is for after. First, you have to do this. Stop asking questions and start singing." He explained simply. 

Adore U began playing, and Jeonghan had to scramble to get his headphones on properly and be ready to sing his line.

"그니까 내 말은 너를 다 알고 싶어," he sang, immediately cringing at how nasally he sounded. It wasn't at all like what he was going for, "Can we try that again?" He asked. 

Seungcheol nodded, pressing some buttons again, "Of course."

The music started up again, and Jeonghan took a deep breath, "그니까 내 말은 너를 안- nope," he stopped, mentally cursing himself for misspeaking. He looked at the ground, his cheeks heating up, "Again."

Seungcheol shrugged, "It's ok, you know this is going to take a few tries to get it right."

And a few tries, it surely took. 

Jeonghan had sung his line for like 20 minutes, and every single time, he either messed it up, or sung it badly. It started getting to a point where every time he screwed up, the lump in his throat got a little worse. He was becoming so flustered that he kinda felt like ripping his own skin off.   
He could tell Seungcheol was starting to get impatient with him.

"Ok. Just one more time. I promise I'm going to get it right this time," he told him, keeping his voice low to prevent it from cracking because he sorta kinda wanted to cry a little. But he wouldn't.   
Yoon Jeonghan does not cry. 

The music started again.

"그니까 내 말은 너를- UGH!" He growled, ripping his headphones off, "FUCK! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT!" He found himself yelling, using all of his self-control to keep from punching a hole in the wall. Instead, he just raked his nails against his thigh, the wounds stung even though the fabric of his shorts, "They can do the fucking song without me!" He was going to storm out of the recording booth, but was stopped when Seungcheol came in, backing him into a literal and figurative corner. 

"Jeonghan," Seungcheol's tone was still so gentle and pleasant. He put his hands on Jeonghan's shoulders, "Take a deep breath."

Shaking his head, he was now looking at the ceiling to keep those darn tears inside his eyeballs, "I'm done. They can keep the song the way it is," his voice stayed thin, "Please Seungcheol, just let me go."

Tightening his grip on Jeonghan's shoulders, Seungcheol continued, "Jeonghan, look at me. Just..look at my eyes.. and take a deep breath, " He instructed, and for whatever reason, Jeonghan obeyed him. 

He drew in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. He didn't break eye contact with Seungcheol the entire time. 

"Yoon Jeonghan," the older began, his expression softening. He leaned a little bit closer to him, "You are just as much a member of seventeen as anybody else. You have every right to be in our debut song. You earned this," he paused, watched Jeonghan's lip twitch into a small smile as he nodded at the words. Seungcheol leaned closer still, their foreheads touching, "Record it one more time. For me."

Jeonghan had stopped scratching at his legs. Instead, his hands wrapped around Seungcheol's waist. He thought deeply about the older boy's words, a comforting warmth blossoming through his chest while his heart pounded against his ribs. Finally, he nodded slightly-their noses brushed together-and smiled, "This is why I love you," he heard himself whisper, and before he could even think about what he'd just said, he realized his lips were pressed against Seungcheol's. 

It was over before he knew it happened. Jeonghan realized he wasn't the one to leaned in, Seungcheol was.  
His lips were soft, and the whole thing felt so good and Jeonghan was half-certain that he was dreaming. It was as if everything went cold again when they pulled away.   
Jeonghan was still processing and just stared at Seungcheol for a few seconds, trying to think of what to say.   
"Um...let's record those lines, huh?" He asked finally, smiling awkwardly as he walked back over to the microphone. 

In an astounding turn of events, Jeonghan actually recorded his lines perfectly in that one last try. He felt super proud of himself for finally getting it right. Maybe he was worth something. 

The two spend the rest of the night drinking and laughing like Seungcheol had originally promised.   
They didn't talk about the kiss. It wasn't awkward.   
They talked and played and hung out just like the old days.   
It was comfortable, and any concern Jeonghan had for their friendship being ruined was dispelled when they fell asleep cuddling in Seungcheol's bed that night.

-

Jeonghan got bored during their once-in-a-blue-moon evening off and painted his nails black (his manager said it was ok) for their photoshoot the next day. He thought it looked good, and Seungcheol certainly thought it looked good. 

"I'm getting G-Dragon vibes, y'know. You look so pretty," He cooed when Jeonghan showed him the new look.

Jeonghan's cheeks flushed pink when he smiled at him and brushed off the compliments by saying "You're just being nice." But deep down, it meant the world to him to hear Seungcheol call him pretty, "What, am I just the token pretty boy in the group?" He asked sarcastically. 

Seungcheol responded by pulling him into a tight bear hug, "Yeah but you're MY pretty boy," he giggled, tickling Jeonghan's sides. 

Jeonghan squealed, squirming to get away, "Stop!" He whined. 

"Hyungs, come into the living room!" Seungkwan yelled when he suddenly stuck his head into the doorway, causing both of them to stop their play-fight.

They followed Seungkwan into the living room, where all of the other guys were sitting on the floor or on the couch. 

"What's going on?" Jeonghan asked, sitting down on the couch next to Joshua. Seungcheol came and squeezed in next to him. The setting sun trickled in from the window, bathing the dorm in golden light. 

Their manager, Seunghoon, walked in with a giant smile on his face, "Seventeen's debut music video is finished!" He announced, "Our editing team had worked their magic on your shoestring-budget, filmed-on-a-potato video and transformed it into something great!" 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol looked at each other with excited grins, then back at their manager. 

"And not to mention, the studio mix of the song is done too, and it's in the video. You all have just been listening to the demo, right? Well this right here is the real deal," Seunghoon set his laptop up on the coffee table where everyone could see, and pressed play on the video. 

All 14 of them watched with baited breath as the video played. The special effects looked super cool and retro. Oohs and Aahs filled the room. 

Jeonghan started to feel excited and nervous when he knew his part was coming up. He remembered how hard he worked to record his line correctly, and now it was about to pay off. He glanced at Seungcheol, seeing the laptop screen reflect in his big eyes. Smirking, he looked at the screen again. His stomach flipped in anticipation as he was about to see himself on screen; his shining moment and-

Oh. 

"That's not my voice," he whispered, the color draining from his face immediately. It was his line in the song, but that wasn't him singing it. He recognized the voice as Seungkwan's, and he looked around the room to see if anyone else had picked up on this. No one seemed to have even noticed. Jeonghan was confused, certainly; why wasn't his voice in the studio recording? He recorded it, so why wasn't it there? He couldn't even focus on the rest of the music video because he couldn't help but wonder if he just misheard or if he was going crazy or what the hell is happening. 

After it was over, everyone clapped and started gushing about how amazing it was, but Jeonghan just sat there and stewed. Finally, he just raised his hand, "Seunghoon Hyung,."

"Yeah?"

"Did I mishear..or was I not in that recording?" He asked slowly and quietly, looking at Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol gave Jeonghan an unreadable look, grabbing his knee reassuringly. He looked at the floor, then back up at Seunghoon again. 

Seunghoon sighed, shifting his weight from foot to foot, "I..I'm sorry Jeonghan. We cut you from the song."

Jeonghan's stomach turned, his heart jumping up into his throat and temporarily rendering him mute, "Why-uh-why did you do that?"

"It wasn't my decision. Some of the producers thought that your voice wasn't right for the sound. You're not going to be in the song. I'm sorry." 

Drawing his lips into a tight frown, Jeonghan nodded slowly, "Ok," he said finally. His cheeks burned red as he withdrew from the conversation again, leaning back in his seat. A lump formed in his throat, and his eyes began to sting slightly. He ignored it and pushed it down. He wasn't going to cry.   
Yoon Jeonghan does not cry. 

Then he had to sit through dinner with everyone. He was pretty sure he didn't say a word the entire time, or even look up from his plate. It seemed to take ages for dinner to be over, and when it was, Jeonghan immediately got up and left the room without saying anything. He'd been stewing in his anger and humiliation for the last hour and he needed to do something or else he might just explode. 

He went into the bathroom, locking the door. His lungs felt tight, like he couldn't breath deeply enough. His eyes stung, but he just continued to blink hard and will the tears away before _goddamit yoon jeonghan do not fucking cry._  
The events of earlier replayed in his head as he paced across the tiled floor. They really cut him from the song. Was his singing not good enough?   
_Failure._

Normally, in a situation like this, he'd call his Grandma.   
He wanted to talk to her.   
_But she's dead._  
That's when it hit him.   
_She's gone forever. You'll never get to talk to her again._  
Dead.   
He obviously already knew this to be true, but for some reason it felt like he was realizing it all over again.  
He slammed his fist onto the counter, shaking his head.   
_Failure. Failure. Failure._   
The voice was getting louder.   
_Untalented. Useless. FAILURE._

Jeonghan opened the drawer and felt around for the razor blade he'd taped at the top, ripping it off as soon as he felt his fingers brush against the cold steel. He hiked up the right leg of his basketball shorts, eyeing up all of the lines that were already there.   
Some old, some very new. Different angles and depths. He was running out of room on his canvas. If he went any lower, he'd risk them being seen.   
But his judgement was just a little bit clouded. 

He pressed the blade to his upper thigh, yanking hard to the right. He watched as a thin line of red trailed behind the metal. It hurt so bad; but that was the point.   
This is what you get for not working hard enough.   
Can you even call yourself a singer?  
He dug the blade across his leg again, watching as another cut formed. He did it again. And again. And again.   
The searing pain dulled out into background noise against his intrusive thoughts, but he was brought back down to reality when there was a knock at the door. 

He stopped cold in his tracks, staring at the door with wide eyes. 

"Jeonghan, is everything ok in there?" That was Seungcheol's voice. He sounded concerned.

Tossing the razor back into the drawer and shutting it, Jeonghan cleared his throat before answering, "Y-yeah. I'm just washing my face," he said, pulling his pant leg back down. 

There was silence for a couple of seconds before Seungcheol finally asked, "Can you please open the door then?"

He grabbed a bath towel and unlocked the door for Seungcheol. He opened the door, dabbing his face with the towel, "See? Everything's fine Seungcheol. You worry too much," he chuckled, setting the towel down and leaning against the doorframe. 

Nodding slowly, Seungcheol smiled slightly, "I'm sorry, it's just that I was worried that maybe you were hurting yours..uh.." he trailed off, his eyes lowering slightly, "Jeonghan?" He asked quietly, looking back up at him. 

Jeonghan's fear returned at full force when he looked down and saw a trickle of blood dripping down his leg from under his shorts. He was fucked now. 

"Jeonghan," Seungcheol said in a strained whisper, "Lift up your shorts, please."

He didn't have any way to get out of this, he was panicking. Seungcheol knew. Everything was officially ruined, "I'd rather not."

The kind and patient person that Jeonghan had come to love was not here right now, because Seungcheol was dead serious and actually kind of terrifying, "Jeonghan..Lift up your shorts right now."

"It's just stress relief, it's not a big deal!" He heard himself yell. His brain felt like a cement mixer and the only thing he could think of to do in this situation was run away.   
_Just run. Get out of here before they can do anything else._   
So he did.   
And before anybody knew what was happening, the front dorm slammed shut and Jeonghan was gone.

_Calm down calm down calm down_

Jeonghan's world was crashing down around him. He wasn't going to be in the debut song, Seungcheol knew his most embarrassing secret, and his Grandma was dead.   
His head throbbed from holding back his tears, and his leg still hurt so bad. Now he was on a Seoul street corner, at 10:00pm, with no money. He hoped he could just walk long enough to blow off some steam. 

He didn't care that his sock was probably stained red by now, and he didn't care that he his phone was buzzing off the hook with the members calling him. He needed to be away for awhile. 

So he walked, with no real destination. He just walked around the city and hoped that he'd calm down eventually. He twirled a piece of hair between his fingers. He focused on the motions of his hand, noticing how the streetlights reflected off his shiny, black nails. 

Then he heard footsteps behind him. He looked and saw three tall figures walking about 20 feet behind him. He shrugged, crossing the street and continuing to walk.   
Jeonghan started to get a feeling in his gut that something wasn't right, but he figured it was just residual panic from his entire life falling apart like 20 minutes ago.   
He looked behind him again and the three guys were still there, they were closer now.   
He started feeling anxious. Deep down he knew that they were just people, and they probably just happened to be walking the same way as him. 

But then he turned a corner and walked another half block and they were still behind him. His heart was racing, and he was starting to get very scared, very quickly.   
They were right behind him and he needed to run away right now-

Then Jeonghan felt a tight grip around his arm, "Where do you think you're going, pretty boy?" A deep voice snarled at him. 

Jeonghan was surrounded. These men were taller and stronger than him. His stomach flipped, and he thought he was going to throw up or pass out, "Let go of me," he growled, but his voice was weak. The man's grip was tight, and he couldn't get away. He looked around frantically for an escape, but he was in an empty alley. 

"Oh we got a squirmy one, Hyung," another man said, Wrapping his fingers around the back of Jeonghan's neck, squeezing hard enough to make him lightheaded. 

"I don't..I don't have any money," Jeonghan whimpered, looking up at the twisted face of the evil creature holding onto him, "I swear." 

The man lowered himself to Jeonghan's level, getting right in front of his face. His breath stunk of liquor and cigarettes and it made Jeonghan even more nauseous, "I don't want your fucking money. My friends and I just think that faggots like you need to learn a lesson about walking around looking like this," he grabbed a fistful of Jeonghan's hair, yanking it as hard as he could. 

Jeonghan screamed in pain, squeezing his eyes shut. A tear trickled down his cheek, and he mentally cursed himself for showing weakness, now of all times, "P-please..please stop," he whispered, another tear falling down his face. 

"Shut up, fag!" One man growled, shoving the boy hard. 

Stumbling to the ground, Jeonghan was able to fall without hitting his head. He tried to get back up, but they held him down, pinning him by the shoulders. 

_This is it. This is the end._

He tried to kick and get them off but they were too strong. He could barely move and he was terrified of what they were going to do to him, then suddenly every thought was interrupted when a fist plunged into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He couldn't breathe..it hurt so much. He couldn't even scream, because his lungs just weren't working. 

"You think he might be enjoying this?" One man asked. 

"I bet he's hard right now," another said. 

Then Jeonghan felt a hand on his crotch, grabbing his dick though his shorts; and that's when his judgement was blinded by fury, he started kicking and thrashing around, "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME OR IM GONNA-"

Then a hand was clasped over his mouth, and one of the men was whispering in his ear, "If you say one more word, I'm gonna knock your fucking lights out. Understood?" 

Frozen with fear, Jeonghan just nodded slightly, looking up at the sky. He gave up. There was nothing he could do. Maybe this was the end. This was how he would die. 

Then he felt another blow to his abdomen, this time a shoe. He curled up into a ball, clutching his stomach and trying not to throw up. Then there was another kick, and another, and another; all the while, they were yelling horrible insults at him, and saying what they'd like to do to him.   
Jeonghan toughed it out.   
He didn't scream, and he didn't cry.   
Yoon Jeonghan does not cry.


	5. As Long As Someone Will Bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan finds his way back home, and Seungcheol is waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m so sorry for not uploading! I’ve been pretty busy, and I will continue to be busy for the next couple of weeks, so tbh I don’t know when the final chapter is gonna go up. Hopefully soon 🤠

Jeonghan watched the men walk away out of the corner of his eye. He let out a deep breath; every single part of his body ached. His head throbbed, his leg was still stinging, and his entire torso was beaten and bruised.   
He could vaguely feel a raindrop land on his forehead, then one landed on his hand. Great, as if this couldn't get any worse. The rain drops fell at an escalating pace for a minute or two before it was officially pouring rain.   
He couldn't get himself to move. He just laid there, let himself get soaked, and wished that he would just disappear right then and there. This was his rock bottom.   
He wished he would just die. 

But he couldn't do that, he realized. He couldn't lie there and wait for his body to give up on him.   
He still had 11 little brothers back home.   
He still had Seungcheol. 

It can't end this way

Jeonghan struggled to find the minuscule amount of strength left in him. He pushed himself up off the ground, slowly and painfully standing up fully. He felt like collapsing again, but he fought to stay standing. His clothes were soaked, weighing him down with an extra couple of pounds.   
Every step was a battle on his body, his knees threatening to buckle with each little movement. Jeonghan was barely lucid, drunk on pain and adrenaline. He hobbled down the street, ignoring the concerned glances of people walking by. 

_Everything hurts_

_Everything hurts_

_Every-ugh-everything hurts_

_Everything h-_

"Oh, I'm here," Jeonghan whispered to himself when he realized he was standing in front of his building. He sluggishly pushed the door open and limped inside. 

The security guard patrolling the lobby shined her flashlight on the soaked, limping boy, "Damn, what happened to you?" She asked. 

"Hmm long story," he mumbled, pressing the elevator button and waiting for it to arrive. 

Once Jeonghan reached his floor, he stumbled down the hall, leaning up against the wall for support. He assumed everyone would be asleep by now. He could slip into bed without anyone noticing, and wake up tomorrow like nothing ever happened. 

He could pretend this never happened. 

Just as he reached out to turn the doorknob, he heard a noise and almost had a heart attack. He looked around, a moment of terror flashing through him at the thought of those thugs following him home. Shaking off the thought when he realized it was just the air conditioning, he slowly went inside the dorm, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it. 

The living room was bathed in a faint warm light, coming from the table lamp next to the couch. On the couch, sat Seungcheol. His head snapped over when he heard the door open, and he stood up when he saw who it was, "Jeonghan?" He asked quietly. 

Looking at him, Jeonghan's eyes immediately started to sting. The lump in his throat that seemingly came out of nowhere was effecting his ability to speak normally, "You waited for me," he rasped, shivering slightly. The water on his skin was so cold when it dried. 

"Of course I did. I was so worried," Seungcheol began, stepping closer to Jeonghan and drawing in a shallow breath. Even though the darkness, he could see the state Jeonghan was in. The poor boy looked half dead, "What the hell happened?" He asked gently, gesturing for Jeonghan to come closer. He was so kind. He didn't seem mad at all about earlier. 

Jeonghan had been to hell and back that day. Just 30 minutes ago, he was lying on the pavement, wishing he was dead. Now, he's home. He's with Seungcheol. He's safe.   
His eyes clouded with tears, and he couldn't breathe right, and his throat burned, and his head throbbed, and he just couldn't take it anymore.   
He let out a loud sob, covering his hand with his mouth and squeezing his eyes shut. Tears dripped down his cheeks and landed in the puddle he'd already left on the floor. He stumbled forward, sobbing again.   
He didn't try to hide it, he just let it out.   
Yoon Jeonghan was crying. 

Seungcheol caught him, pulling him into a gentle embrace, wrapping his arms around him and stroking his wet hair, whispering into his ear, "It's ok. Everything's ok. Try to take deep breaths," he didn't care that Jeonghan was getting his clothes wet or anything, he just cared that he was here and safe. 

Jeonghan was shaking, and he could barely breathe, and he used every bit of remaining strength he had to cling on to Seungcheol for dear life. He buried his face into his shoulder. Sobs kept being ripped from his throat and he just couldn't stop crying, "I-I'm..I'm sorry Cheol," he managed to whimper against the older's shoulder, shaking from the cold.

"Don't be, Hannie. It's ok, I'm not mad at you," Seungcheol cooed sweetly in his ear," he tightened his grip on Jeonghan's waist, but immediately let go when the younger boy let out a howl of pain. 

Pulling away from Seungcheol's embrace, Jeonghan wiped his eyes. He forced himself to take a deep breath and stop his sobbing, "They..I..Uh..I was so scared! They k-kicked me, and held m-me down," He whined, then he let out another cry, putting his head back on Seungcheol's shoulder and hugging him again. He didn't care if it hurt, he wouldn't let go of Seungcheol for anything. 

Seungcheol reached over and turned the living room light on, "Jeonghan,,?..Oh."

Lifting his head, Jeonghan wiped his tears, shrugging. In the light, his injuries were fully visible. Finger-shaped bruises littered his neck, and his arms were covered with scrapes and even more bruises. Dried blood pooled at his sock, and his hair was matted with dirt. 

Seungcheol gasped, his eyes welling up with tears as he looked the boy up and down, "Oh my god.." he whispered, slowly running his thumb across Jeonghan's cheek, "Who did this to you?"

Jeonghan just shook his head, letting out another sob. He could barely even speak, "Some guys.."

Seungcheol sighed, nodding as he put an arm around him for support, "Let's get you cleaned up and out of those wet clothes. Cmon," he said, walking with him toward the bathroom. 

Once they were in the bathroom, Jeonghan sat down on top of the toilet. His violent sobs had died down at this point, fizzling out into the occasional hiccup or sniffle.

Seungcheol knelt down in front of him, as if he were addressing a child, "The quickest way to clean you up is to shower," he began his sentence as delicately as possible, putting a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder, "You're barely able to stand upright, and I'm concerned that if you get in there alone, you'll fall and hurt yourself even worse."

Jeonghan looked him in the eyes, nodding slowly to indicate that he agreed, "Yeah," he whispered. 

In complete honestly, Seungcheol was looking out for Jeonghan's safety, and he would swear on his mother's life that he didn't have any ulterior motives when he asked this, "Would you be comfortable if I got into the shower with you?" 

Jeonghan looked up at him and took another laborious breath, "Yes," he nodded, the corner of his mouth twitching into the tiniest hint of a smile. By virtue of the fact that they lived together, they'd seen each other naked enough times that this wasn't too weird. 

"Ok," Seungcheol stood up, helping Jeonghan to stand up too, "Let's get this shirt off of you," he tugged at the hem of the soaked tshirt he was wearing, "Can you lift your arms?"

Jeonghan slowly put his arms up, as far as they'd go at least, and let Seungcheol pull his shirt off. 

"Oh," Seungcheol stared, wide-eyed, at the sight in front of him. Jeonghan's torso was beaten all over. Scrapes on his shoulders, grip marks on his arms, and Big, purple bruises all over his stomach, "How?" He whispered, mouth gaping open in disbelief. 

A fresh wave of tears overcame Jeonghan, spilling down his cheeks, "I'm sorry," he said slowly, crossing his arms as if to cover himself. 

Seungcheol felt himself start to get a little misty, too, but he pushed it down. He had to be strong for Jeonghan. His heart ached for the poor boy. This beautiful, sweet man that he cared for more than anyone, was beaten into a broken pile of tears, "You didn't do anything wrong, ok?" He cooed, gently caressing his cheek, wiping some tears away. He waited until Jeonghan had taken a deep breath and looked at him again, "Now, is it ok if I help you take off your shorts?" He asked delicately, putting his hands on the boy's hips. 

Jeonghan steeled, looking around the room, "Cheol.." he began, quickly deciding that there was no point in hiding anything anymore. Seungcheol was seeing him at his absolute lowest; how much worse could it get, "Before you do...You do know that I sometimes..that-well.."

Swallowing thickly, Seungcheol finished the sentence for him, "That you hurt yourself?" His voice cracked as he said it. He watched Jeonghan nod meekly, and his heart broke even more, "Yeah, I kinda knew."

"I'm just-uh..I'm just warning you," Jeonghan thumbed at the waistband of his shorts, inching them down far enough for them to drop to his ankles. 

And now Seungcheol was glad that he was warned. His breath hitched in his throat when he saw Jeonghan's upper thighs.   
Trails of dried blood on the newer cuts, pitted scars of all depths and sizes on the older cuts. The sight churned his stomach, "Oh my god.." he repeated, his eyes welling up with tears as he looked back at Jeonghan and saw that he was crying again too. He pulled him into another hug, careful not to aggravate his bruises, "I didn't know it was this bad, Han," he whimpered.

Hugging him back tightly, Jeonghan let some tears fall into Seungcheol's shoulder, "I'm sorry."

They stayed that way for a few more seconds before pulling away. Seungcheol started running the water in the shower, and they both stripped completely while it warmed up. 

In an attempt to lighten the mood, Seungcheol ran his hand under the water, then flicked it at Jeonghan's face, "This warm enough?"

Jeonghan laughed weakly, a glimmer of happiness in his eyes for the first time in a long time, "Stop it," he whined, but still clung onto Seungcheol like his life depended on it to keep himself upright. 

Seungcheol carefully helped him step into the shower, then pulled the curtain.   
Instantly, the shower floor turned pink with all the blood that rinsed off Jeonghan's legs. He winced at the water stinging his wounds, holding onto Seungcheol's shoulder's a little tighter, "Alright then," he whispered, biting his lip. 

Seungcheol grabbed some shampoo and rubbed in into Jeonghan's hair, "I'm gonna call our manager and tell him we won't be at work tomorrow," he said as they switched places so Jeonghan could rinse his hair.

"Don't. I can go to-"

"No," Seungcheol cut him off, cupping his cheeks, "You're taking a personal day tomorrow. You need to rest, mentally and physically," he had to raise his voice over the water running. 

"Then why do you need the day off too?" 

Seungcheol tapped his fingers on Jeonghan's cheek, smiling slightly, "I..thought maybe you'd want..company..?" He got all shy, looking at the ceiling, "I could make you lunch..we could watch your favorite movie..or just sleep all day. Whatever you want," 

He looked at Seungcheol again; his eyes so kind and his touch so gentle and he was just so cute with his wet hair hanging in his face. 

Maybe it was the possible concussion, maybe the sleep deprivation, or maybe the blood loss that clouded Jeonghan's judgement and made him do this thing that he probably wouldn't have done otherwise. He looked at Seungcheol for a few seconds, swallowing thickly, "I love you," the words escaped his lips before he could think it through fully, and then he found himself leaning forwards, and grabbing Seungcheol's hips, and then he was kissing him. Their lips gently touching for a couple of momentous seconds, Seungcheol smiling a little into the kiss.   
It was weird, because they were both wet and could taste the shower water, and they were naked; but they didn't care about any of that.   
He wrapped his arms around Seungcheol's waist, pulling him closer as he kissed him again, "I love you so much," he whimpered as they both pulled away, breathing heavily. 

Jeonghan has been so wrapped up in his own feelings to realize how much pain he was still in. He clutched his stomach, falling back against against the shower wall. He looked at Seungcheol longingly, deciding on the spot that despite the fact they were in the shower together, and despite the fact that he was in a lot of pain, he was going to finish his love confession properly, "Seungcheol..I have had feelings for you since we were eighteen. You mean the world to me," he turned the shower off, so he wouldn't have to shout over the water running, "I am thankful every day that we met, and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together...I love you, Choi Seungcheol."

His heart was beating faster than it ever had, probably. He watched as Seungcheol just stood there, staring at him for several seconds before he finally spoke, "I love you too, but can we have this conversation when we're both dressed please?" He asked, chuckling slightly.

Jeonghan decided to play down the fact that his heart was absolutely soaring, masking his excitement with a satisfied smile, he wrapped his arms around Seungcheol's shoulders so he could help him out of the shower, "Ok."

Wrapping a towel around Jeonghan, Seungcheol helped him dry off his hair. He found himself staring at Jeonghan's marred features, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes when he thought about how much he loved him and how sad he was for the poor boy, "I'll be right back," he whispered as he helped him sit on the toilet lid before leaving the bathroom. 

He speed walked to the kitchen, possibly leaving wet footprints on the floor. He tried to be quiet, since most of the kids were probably sleeping.   
He turned on the kitchen light and practically jumped out of his skin when he saw Seokmin leaning up against the fridge, eating a pickle. 

Seokmin seemed equally surprised, his eyebrows disappearing into his hairline, "Woah, where are your clothes?! That's a little inappropriate. Anyway, you want a pickle?" He asked, gesturing toward the open jar of pickles in his other hand. 

Seungcheol just stood there and stared at him for a second, "I..I just came to get water," he sighed, walking over to the fridge, shoving Seokmin out of the way, and retrieving a water bottle, "Goodnight, Min," he called as he left the kitchen, pretty much unfazed by that interaction. That was far from the weirdest thing that's happened in this dorm.

Upon returning to the bathroom, he found Jeonghan still sitting on the toilet, now with a towel wrapped around waist, "Hey," he greeted, shutting the door, "I got you some water. You're probably dehydrated."

-

"Cheol?" Jeonghan asked, sitting on Seungcheol's bed. They'd gone back to their bedroom and put on their pajamas, right after Seungcheol helped put ointment on all of Jeonghan's cuts and scrapes. 

The older was standing in the middle of the room, texting their manager to tell him they couldn't work tomorrow, "Yeah?" He asked, pressing send on the text and then putting his phone on the bedside table.

Jeonghan pouted slightly, cocking his head to the side, "Can we finish that whole love conversation now?" His cheeks flushed slightly pink as he looked Seungcheol up and down. 

Seungcheol glanced at the ground, sitting down next to him, "Hannie.." he paused, grabbing Jeonghan's hand, "You've had a pretty..traumatizing night, and you're clearly in pain. Are you sure you want to discuss this right now?"

"Seungcheol," Jeonghan looked at him, sitting cross-legged on the bed and facing him directly. He leaned closer, smiling through the pain, "I want to talk about this now. You said you love me too, right?"

"I do. I love you," Seungcheol smiled bittersweetly at him, "Not the same way I love Joshua, or Junhui, or any of the kids. They're like my little brothers. You're..I want to kiss you, and hold your hand, and take you on dates and.."

"And you want to be my boyfriend?" Jeonghan finished for him, a tinge of cockiness in his voice, "Please just be my boyfriend already, Cheolie."

Seungcheol leaned in and planted another chaste kiss on the younger boy, "If I say yes, can we go to sleep?" He asked cutely. 

Jeonghan smiled at him, "Yeah. Kiss me one more time first," he ordered, letting Seungcheol plant another kiss onto his lips, "Ok now let's go to bed," he said cutely, pushing down the covers on Seungcheol's bed and carefully climbing into them. He groaned slightly as he laid down, his body still aching horribly. He hoped he’d feel better in the morning. 

Seungcheol went and turned off the lights and shut the door, and then came back and got in bed with him. 

"I love you. Don't go anywhere, ok?” Jeonghan asked as wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's torso. He nuzzled his face into Seungcheol's neck and closed his eyes. 

Pressing a kiss onto the top of Jeonghan's head, Seungcheol sighed, "I won't. I promise, Hannie."

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, baby.”


	6. Make A Citizen Out Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the final chapter, Seventeen reach a huge milestone in their career

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. This is the final chapter to Steel Heart. I had serious writers block over this chapter for like 2 weeks, and it took me forever to finish, but here it finally is.

The next morning, Seungcheol found himself waking up to an empty space next to him. Getting up and stretching a bit, he walked out to the hallway, where he saw the bathroom door cracked open with the light on. 

_*snip*_

Seungcheol pushed the door open, his mouth falling open in shock at the sight inside, "Jeonghan?"

Jeonghan stood there, a pair of scissors in one hand, and a huge chunk of hair in the other. A tear ran down his cheek as he turned to look at Seungcheol. He must've cut off at least 6 inches of hair, because the part that he cut ended right above his shoulder. 

He didn't say anything, he just leaned against the counter and sighed as more tears fell from his eyes. 

"Jeonghan, why did you do that?" He asked gently, approaching him and gently prying the scissors out of his hands and placing them on the counter

Jeonghan put the chunk of hair in the sink, wiping his face, "The guys that beat me up.." he sobbed, biting his lip hard, "They said-uh-they said that they wanted to teach fags like me a lesson.." he whimpered as he wrapped his arms around Seungcheol and cried onto his shoulder, "They attacked me becuase..of how I look.. they called me pretty boy, but they meant it-it-in a bad way.

"Oh baby, I...it-I..it'll be ok," Seungcheol cooed. 

Jeonghan lifted his head, shaking it slightly, "Seungcheol.." he sniffles, "I thought they were g-gonna rape me," he put his head back on the older's shoulder, crying again, "I was so scared..I mean, they didn't rape me but.. 

Seungcheol didn't say anything at first, he just held the crying boy in his arms. Once Jeonghan started to calm down a little, Seungcheol cleared his throat, "I'm gonna stay by your side from now on. I'm gonna make sure no one ever touches you again. If I ever see those guys, they're gonna regret ever laying a finger on you."

-

The next day, Jeonghan went to the salon to get his hair fixed. Thankfully, the managers didn't come down too hard on him, they were pissed that he had to redo all of his photo shoots though. 

Seungcheol threw away all of the razor blades in the dorm, and put away the scale they kept in the bathroom. He wished Jeonghan could start going to therapy, but with the debut coming up, he couldn't. They were doing the best they could on their own.   
This was a new beginning for both of them. 

"Hannie?" Seungcheol asked when Jeonghan came back from the bathroom before bed one night. About a week had passed since the incident. 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I see your legs, please?" He asked delicately, tilting his head to the side. 

Jeonghan sighed, "Do we have to do this every night? You threw away all the razors, what am I even going to use?" He asked, pouting like a little kid as he pulled the legs of his shorts up to show Seungcheol his thighs, "I'm a week clean."

"And I'm very proud of you," Seungcheol said, smiling. He got up from his bed and approached his boyfriend, "You're doing so good, baby," he gave Jeonghan a gentle kiss, cupping his cheeks, "We've come this far, we can get through anything.."

Grabbing at Seungcheol's shirt, Jeonghan smiled at him, "Yeah. I love you, Cheolie."

"Love you too."

-

_May 15, 2015_

Today is the day.  
Seventeen were making their official debut.   
Their music video has just dropped, and now they are about to have their debut stage.   
In the green room, backstage of the Mcountdown set, the members all waited anxiously to be called up. 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol sat on the couch together, holding hands. 

"I'm gonna sing. I get to sing my lines," Jeonghan whispered, mostly to himself, as he twirled a piece of his hair in his fingers. 

Seungcheol looked at him, smiling slightly, "You deserve this Hannie. This is your moment." 

"Alright guys, it's time to head to the wings. You're on in a couple of minutes!" One of their managers announced, poking her head into the dressing room.

The guys all stood up, and filed briskly out into the hallway,   
Jeonghan and Seungcheol continued holding hands the whole time. They began walking up the stairs and to the wings of the stage. 

"Gyu, quit fiddling with that thing or it's going to fall off during the song!" Jihoon whisper-scolded at the tall boy who kept adjusting his mic pack. 

Mingyu pouted, "But the belt itches!" 

"Fucking deal with it!" The older boy yelled back.   
He received a smack upside the head from Joshua in response. 

"Oh god, I think I'm gonna throw up," Minghao moaned, his face actually looking quite green. 

Jeonghan looked at him, cooing as he rubbed his back, "Hao, everything is going to be fine. It'll be just like when we practice it back at Pledis." He said, giving the Chinese boy a kiss on the cheek, "You're going to do amazing."

Seungcheol smiled as he watched Jeonghan care for the kids. Sometimes he felt like a parent to some of the younger members, and apparently Jeonghan felt the same. 

They got to the wings, and could here the music of the group that was going on before them. Seungcheol remembered one of the show runners mentioning that the song was called Trespass. It was some boy group that debuted the same day they did, _Monster X_ or something like that. 

"They're really good," Seungkwan said as he clung to Jeonghan's free arm, "How are we gonna follow that?"

"We're good too, Kwannie. We're gonna go out there and do what we've trained to do." Jeonghan sighed, holding onto Seungkwan’s hand a little tighter as he watched that other group finish up their song. His forehead threatened to drip sweat and, like Minghao, he kinda thought he would throw up. 

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, the MC got back on stage and made his announcement, "Up next, is the rookie group that debuted two days ago with their fresh hit, Seventeen performing Adore U!" He yelled, running off stage. 

The guys all went on stage and took their starting positions, waiting for the lights to go up. Then the music started, and the crowd started cheering. It was like nothing they'd ever done before; the biggest crowd they'd ever performed in front of. It was like it all happened in a blur, Jeonghan though, because before he knew it, the song was nearly over. He'd danced and sung his little heart out, and he heard his members do the same. 

Finally, the song ended, and they all got up to bow and exit the stage. There was so much cheering, and Jeonghan's heart was pumping out of his chest when they lined up to bow. The adrenaline made him want to run a marathon, and then eat 2 dozen eggs. 

"Oh my god, I can't believe we just did that!" Soonyoung sighed as soon as everyone was off stage. 

Hansol ripped off his mic pack, "Seriously. It's official now, we're idols!" 

They piled back into the dressing room, most of them collapsing onto the nearest chair or couch. 

Seungcheol sat on the floor, leaning up against the wall. He motioned for Jeonghan to sit with him, and he complied, "Jeonghannie," he cooed, grabbing his hand, "We made it."

Jeonghan leaned forward untold their sweat-slick foreheads were touching, "We made it," he repeated, in a much lower whisper. He rubbed the back of Seungcheol's hand with his thumb, "I want things to stay like this. Us, all 13 of us, doing this for a long time."

Nodding, Seungcheol rested his head on Jeonghan's shoulder, cuddling up close to him and bringing his knees to his chest, "We all want that. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here now," He looked up at Jeonghan, "We're still rookies, we have a long way to go before we've really made it. Someday, years from now, we'll be performing all over the world,selling out stadiums, and breaking records with out albums. We're gonna do it together."

Smiling bittersweetly, Jeonghan nodded, his eyes getting a little glassy, "Good," he whispered, "I love you, Cheolie," he leaned in to give Seungcheol a kiss, but Seungcheol leaned away. 

"Woah woah woah! The kids are in here," he glanced up, indicating that all the members were in the dressing room, though most weren't paying any kind of attention to them. 

Jeonghan shrugged, "So? It's just them," he said. 

"Fine. One quick one." 

Jeonghan chuckled slightly, giving Seungcheol a quick peck on the lips, "Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Hannie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated❤️  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this series! I’m sad to see it come to an end, though.   
> It’s been real.  
> Catch you in the next one ✌️

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is greatly appreciated! Please leave comments if you’d like ❤️


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